Security Blanket

Only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to live.

Dorothy Thompson

Several years ago when a friend of ours lost his job he went straight home and climbed into bed. He literally pulled the covers up over his head and lay there in that place of security for several hours. He processed what had happened and prepared himself to face the world and to start all over again.

A safe place. A security blanket. A refuge of comfort and solace in a devastating time.

How many of us have done the same thing when our lives seem to be falling apart, when it all hits the fan, when everything is turned upside down and when nothing makes sense anymore? Whether it's a literal security blanket or some other place of soothing relief, we all need that place where we can go to regroup and to restore ourselves.

What is your security blanket? Is it a physical location? Is it a person - your spouse, a close friend, a parent? Who or what is it for you? Is is your spiritual faith? How do you begin to heal and pick up the broken pieces of your life, your heart, your self-esteem, your self-worth, your spirit? How do you begin to mend your soul?

Write to us. Let us know. We'd love to hear where or to whom you go to begin to heal, to not be afraid, to start all over again.

Top Five Regrets of Those Who Are Dying

We were recently sent this article from Britain's The Guardian and we knew that we needed to share it. The message it gives is one we all need to take seriously.


Top five regrets of the dying

A nurse has recorded the most common regrets of the dying, and among the top ones is 'I wish I hadn't worked so hard'. What would your biggest regret be if this was your last day of life?

There was no mention of more sex or bungee jumps. A palliative nurse who has counselled the dying in their last days has revealed the most common regrets we have at the end of our lives. And among the top, from men in particular, is 'I wish I hadn't worked so hard'. Bronnie Ware is an Australian nurse who spent several years working in palliative care, caring for patients in the last 12 weeks of their lives. She recorded their dying epiphanies in a blog called Inspiration and Chai, which gathered so much attention that she put her observations into a book called The Top Five Regrets of the Dying. Ware writes of the phenomenal clarity of vision that people gain at the end of their lives, and how we might learn from their wisdom. "When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently," she says, "common themes surfaced again and again." Here are the top five regrets of the dying, as witnessed by Ware:

1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me. "This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it."

2. I wish I hadn't worked so hard. "This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret, but as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence."

3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings. "Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result."

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends. "Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying."

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier. "This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content, when deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again."

Eat, Pray, Love

Life is a banquet. And most of you ... are starving to death.
from the broadway musical, Mame

We have both recently seen the movie 'Eat, Pray, Love'. If you haven't seen the movie it is about a woman who goes through a mid-life crisis and is having difficulty finding peace. She loses her sense of balance and therefore decides to travel to a number of locations around the world in the hopes of regaining a healthy perspective on life again. Her first destination is Rome. During her stay she has an epiphany moment when she realizes how laid back many Europeans seem to be. Because of our own personal travels to other parts of the world, and the reports we hear from other travelers we know, we too are aware that many other cultures don't seem to place such a high a value as our culture does on things like drivenness, productivity, structure, and task-orientation. A line from the movie exemplfies this:

The problem with Americans is that when they want to have a glass of wine they have to think about having a glass of wine. And then they have to decide if they should have the glass of wine. Europeans on the other hand, simply order a glass of wine and don't think twice about it.

One of the main points that we took from the movie is that there are many others who seem to have learned an important secret in this life: They just know how to get more out of their lives. Cultures in which they spend more time together eating meals, sharing more time with families and friends --sometimes simply just talking and being together without an agenda, scheduling more time away from work, and being intentional about nurturing their human connections show an understanding of the essence of life. And that is:
to Eat - celebrating the gifts that we have,
to Pray - developing their spirtual selves and understanding there is something greater
beyond just themselves, and
to Love - sharing with others and exploring joy, laugther, grace, and goodness together.

Discovering Self-Worth

You don't have time. You're on this earth for a dash of time, really. and then that's it. And for some reason that reality and knowing that, it just changed everything. I felt that I don't have any time to stay up all night worrying about what someone who doesn't love me says about me ... And here's a whole slew of people who love me, that Im devaluing; I'm not even spending any time with them. And my mortality is staring me in the face.

~Viola Davis

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QdS5227bmkA

Yesterday afternoon, flipping through the TV channels, Michael happened to come across Oprah Winfrey interviewing Oscar nominee actress Viola Davis, about her life and career. Ms. Davis spoke of the years she struggled to become the celebrated and honored actress she is today. She spoke eloquently about her challenges and diffculties, especially those with chronic low self-esteem. Her interview resonated with both Tom and Michael, because we have talked with so many other people for whom - like us, as well - have had to discover a place within us where we have assurance and confidence in whom we are and whom have been created to be. Viola Davis, in particular, she shared about how lonely and discouraged she has often felt, and about how her ethnicity has also affected her feelings of acceptance. It is in discovering that place of assurance and confidence within herself that she has been much more able to follow her tremendous talents and dreams.

What struck us most about Ms. Davis was the part of her conversation with Oprah that concerned the searing negativity she encounatered and endured as she tried to make her way as a fledgling actress. Even after winning numerous acting awards - including two Tonys, as well as two Academy Award nominations - and having been recognized as one of the finest actresses today, she still had to struggle with her own sense of self-worth and her identity as a person of meaning.

But a turning point began to emerge when she recognized that she needed to surround herself with and concentrate on the people in her life who would love her well and encourage her to be whom she truly has been created to be. That realization served as a stage for her to accept herself, her heritage and her worth, not just as an actress but also as a human being. By not accepting her self-worth for such a long time, she realized that she was devaluing herself and others and not allowing those others to help her and support her and encourage her on her journey.

We all need to come to that place, that place in which we recognize that life is too short, that we cannot waste time worrying about what others think or say about us, especially those whose love for us is either non-existent or limited. We need to identify those people in our lives who truly do love us - appreciate and affirm us, support and care for us - even and (most) especially when we cannot do that for ourselves. We all need others in our lives who are life-affirming, those who help to make us better people, those who positively motivate us to be our best and truest selves.

Michael and Tom can speak to this very personally - as do certainly most people. We ourselves know what it's like to be in the same role as Viola Davis. Having others place expectations on us and trying to make us into something that we're not, keeping us awake too many nights, leaving us unfulfilled, creating burdens that really shouldn't be ours to bear. But we also know what it's like to surround ourselves with people who only want what's best for us. We recognize the rich significance of that kind of support in our own lives. And so we encourage you to spend as much time as is possible with people who are going to bring out the best in you. Invest in those people. Allow them to invest in you. Be intentional with those people. Welcome their intentionality with you. Because, as Viola Davis says, life is too short to be lying awake at night putting all our focus and attention on caring what everyone else thinks about us. Embrace love today and those who are there to offer it. It's its essence that a good life is all about.

Watershed Moments

To love someone is to reveal to them their capacities for life, the light that is shining in them.
~Jean Vanier

During our many years counseling, Michael and Tom have each kept a special file marked 'Encouragements'. In those special files, we have notes of gratitude, letters of appreciation, and messages about how we changed someone's life for the better. Those are watershed moments in others lives where we gave an answer, provided hope, and maybe turned their lives around--watershed moments.

We each also have filed away in our own minds, moments in our individual lives and in our relationship together where others have done the same for us--provided us with a new direction, encouraged us with their affirmation, shed light in a situation in which we hadn't seen before--watershed moments.

We both love reading stories about great people who have done great things, to understand why or how these great things happened. A story that impressed us both was one we recently read about Abraham Lincoln on the day the American Civil War had ended. When the South's General Lee surrendered to the North's General Grant, thousands of people rushed to the White House in Washington, D.C., clamoring for President Lincoln to deliver a victory speech. The crowd was bloodthirsty. The Northern victors wanted their president to deliver words vilifying their vanquished enemies in the South. They wanted condemnation. They were not interested in graciousness or diplomacy. But instead, wanted the losers to be disparaged by the president.

Lincoln knew better. He understood that to unify a nation, to heal its wounds, to put it on a forward moving path, he needed to give a speech calling for reconciliation, forgiveness, and consideration for all. He instinctively knew that to heap more scorn on those who had lost the war would only hinder, profoundly, the healing of the breach between the two sides and that the nation could never move forward until that healing began to occur. So Lincoln refused to give a speech that night, knowing that a hastily given, ill-conceived oration would do more damage than good. So he promised the crowd, if they came back the next night, he would speak to the nation, giving him time to carefully prepare his words. That became a watershed moment in not only Lincoln's presidency, but in the survival and strengthening of the United States.

We all need, and have, watershed moments in our lives. Moments that stand out defining who we are, what we will become, and the legacy we will leave behind. Today Michael and Tom had a watershed moment in their professional lives together. As we continue to develop our professional partnership, there have been moments of anxiety along the way. How would things work? Would our work be successful? Would our work resonate with others? In a luncheon meeting today with someone we both respect very much, we found that the resonance was there--a watershed moment--that gives us courage, hope and strength.

What are the watershed moments for you? Remember them. During the dark and difficult times that inevitably occur for us all, it is in remembering those watershed moments that we are given new energy and life again.

Wounds

Getting in touch with one's soul means going through one's own struggle and despair and also realizing that it is working through those wounds that helps you unite with other people.
Linda Leonard, Ph.D.

Throughout our lives there are seasons that often seem not only dark but painful. Maybe it was because of a broken relationship. A sudden financial collapse. A devastating disappointment. A betrayal. A shocking diagnosis. A loss of someone dearly loved.

Those wounds cut deeply, bleeding the vitality from our spirits, draining the life from our souls. Those wounds are not easily closed, not easily healed.

Too often the pain lingers and maybe becomes even more acute because we don't face the wounds and their origin. We don't deal with the real issues at hand, too often putting band-aids on them when there's a larger, deeper hurt that needs attention. And the adage that "time heals all wounds" isn't always true. Yes, it can help and many times does. But we need more than time.

We believe one of the most important ways to enable healing is to have another with whom we can share and trust and who empathizes with us, another who will walk with us and help us to face and truly confront our pain and need.

The fact is all of us deal with wounds. They exist for all of us. And the sooner we can deal with those wounds - honestly and completely - the easier it is for the wounds to be bound up again.

In our years of counseling we have heard the stories of women who have been sexually abused at young ages and who have carried the awful secrets and shame of that abuse with them for decades. But in finally finding someone who will listen and not judge and who will show compassion for their anguish, they have begun to come to terms with the reality of their past, which enables them to finally move stronger into their future. We have heard the stories of men who have had affairs, sometimes many years before, sometimes still ongoing as they spoke. But in sharing their weakness and regret with someone who will listen and not judge and who will show compassion for their anguish, they are finally able to confront the reasons for the destructive path that they have chosen and can begin to turn back to a better way. We have heard the stories of friends who find themselves in unfulfilling career situations, dreading going to work each day, hating the direction they are on. But in sharing their suffering and sorrow with someone who will listen and not judge and who will show compassion for their anguish, they are finally able to confront the blows to their self-esteem and self-worth and can begin to find new directions and regain the strength to make the changes they need for a more life-giving journey.

It is in connecting with others and sharing our pain that we realize we are not alone, that others are going through similar struggles and painful experiences too. Healing is available to all of us and in baring our wounds with those who will care, we find one of the balms most soothing and comforting for our souls.

Puzzle Pieces

If we could see that everything, even tragedy, is a gift in disguise, we would then find the best way to nourish the soul.
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

This past Christmas Tom received a puzzle of 1,000 pieces. He hasn't put a puzzle together in a very long time. When he looks at all the pieces jumbled and scattered, some face up, some face down, many pieces looking exactly the same, he is intimidated. Putting the pieces together to form a picture of beauty and cohesion seems to be impossible.

Life is often like that puzzle just dumped out of the box, before any piece is connected with another. None of it makes any sense.

Often times in difficult situations we ask ourselves, "Why?"
"Why is this happening to us?" "What did I do to deserve this?" "None of this makes sense."

Three years ago Tom was working in a job that left him somewhat discontent and unfulfilled. The promise of the job did not live up to its disappointing reality. His feelings of restlessness did not allow him to find true joy and contentment in who he was. And so he make the very difficult decision to leave the position ... especially with two small children at home to feed and a wife whose nursing job was only part-time. At one point in the months to follow, while Tom took a minimum wage job, with very little money coming in, he and his family lived in his sister-in-law's attic until they could save enough to find a place they could afford. It was a dark season for them. Throughout that season Tom went through a painful time of wondering how - and why - did this become part of his story. "What good was his Master's Degree doing for him now?"

Sometime later Michael's counseling position came to an end, amid budget cuts and changing priorities. It caused him, too, to question, "Why?" - and "What's next? Within four days of his job ending his family had another loss, the passing of his mother-in-law. It was an intense period, full of soul searching and discernment.

During that days that followed we were able to spend a lot more time together. We both shared openly with one another our feelings of uncertainty, our concerns about security, our questions about who we really were meant to be. For months we talked and listened. We began reading books together, books by others who contemplated the meaning of their lives and the purpose meant for their days. The more conversations we had, the more books we read and the more time we spent together sharing and in solitude, the more clarity we started to receive. And as we looked back we were able to start seeing clearly and definitively the connection points which brought us together - and which were leading us now toward a more purposeful path.

For most of us, we struggle to see clearly in the moment of discontent and pain what our lives are all about. And it isn't until afterwards - sometimes months, sometimes years later - until we are able to look back to see how the pieces of the puzzle come to fit together. But, when we look and when we are open to seeing, we can come to clearly understand just how the pieces begin to fit together and present us with a picture that is beautiful to behold, far more than we could ever have imagine possible at the start.

Many events might seem random in the moment. but often times we you look back on events you begin to see that those events were not so random, but formed, shaped and molded you to be stronger, more understanding, wiser, more forgiving and more full of grace. those events could ultimately serve as inspiration to someone else, to enable them to be those things too.